My problems with reading online advice about how to improve your music

So much advice out there! A lot of it is good. Really good, actually. But it's that same old cliché about reading a book about riding a bike and riding a bike.

Please, learn from my mistakes. Try to keep it in moderation. The only thing we should be binging on is better songwriting.

-All the time spent reading about how to improve your music could've been spent writing a song.

-You can find support for just about any viewpoint online. 'Be a larger-than-life rockstar! People love that. But don't be a larger-than-life rockstar. People hate that.'

-Staring at a computer screen for 4 hours straight and not getting paid for it just seems wrong.

-A lot of interesting songs get written about everyday life. But I have yet to hear a compelling tune about “how I read 80 pages worth of text about how to have a better music career.”

-I forgot to open my living room curtains during daylight hours all summer, so now my plants are half dead.

-When I do open my curtains, my neighbours think I'm a creepy exhibitionist, looking at porn in the living room all day (and all night!).

-I tried to multitask too much, and didn't really catch the good advice from the music blogs. I also missed the gripping intrigue of X-Files, season 2 on DVD.

(So what did I take away from my X-Files/music blog hybrid? That people online must really like the sound of their own typig, and Chris Carter hired someone with really creepy keyboard sounds.)

-My side of the couch is now at least 3 inches lower than my wife's.

-The dishes in the sink are a week old and stuck together.

-I could be reading hilarious webcomics and watching funny cats instead.

Slightly odd but tested and true touring musician tips

   Well, it's the night before a tour starts. As usual, I can't sleep. So I thought I'd write about some of the things running through my head as I packed everything up today.

Bring an extra everything (within reason)

You will lose a capo when someone borrows it at a post-gig jam. You will leave a pedal plugged in and drain a battery. One of your cables will conk out. Or someone else in your band will need an extra cable 'cause one of theirs cut out. Now, if everyone else would just pack extra stuff...

Label your cables, and everything else

Pink capo. Pink duct tape. Little strips of pink tape on EVERYTHING. It really stand out on all those black stands and stages and cables and mics, and no one else I know uses pink duct tape. Note to anyone reading this: please pick another colour besides pink. I might accidentally steal your stuff.

Throw some basic tools into a box

Needle-nose pliers. Duct Tape. Multi-head screwdriver. Sooner or later it will come in handy. Things like glue, WD-40, vice grips and a soldering iron depend on how crafy-clever you feel.

The less clothes you pack, the less giant loads of laundry you'll have to do

I have never quite figured this one out, and always pack too much. Or too little of something I need a lot of. Like socks.

Those free hotel laundry bags in closets are great for keeping your clean and dirty clothes apart

It's easier to be self-confident when you know your dirty undies weren't rubbing literal shoulders with your nicest cowboy shirt.

    Of course, by the end of a week, the bag will be overflowing with sweaty shirts, so maybe it won't matter.

Roll clothes, don't fold 'em

This takes up a lot less suitcase space. Besides, it doesn't matter if they get wrinkled. Won't be long before they smell like cigarettes, diesel, or bad decisions.

Find a type of sock that all look the same, and only bring those

Whenever laundry happens, it's usually at someone's house. And usually, to lessen the water bill (and the guilt), a bunch of band guys will probably throw their stuff in together. I always know which socks are mine: black, with grey toes and a little orange stripe. I bought 3 bags worth at Walmart a while back. Plain socks seem to mismatch easily, and next thing you know you've got some lonely useless miniature mystery sock in your luggage.

Likewise, make sure you can easily identify your own underwear for post-laundry sorting

Sad fact: I spent so many years on the road with the same people, sharing hotel rooms, that I could probably pick their boxer shorts out of a lineup. All the same, every once and a while there's the “are these mine or yours?” when you're going through a hamper of nice clean clothes.

Although if you're like me (the biggest guy in your band), this isn't really that much of a problem: my boxers (which could double as small kites) would wear like Capri shorts on anyone else I've toured with.

Bring whatever you need to feel better from your worst physical ailment

Doesn't matter what time of year it is, someone will push themselves too hard, either from insomnia or alcoholism. Or, in some cases (ahem), internet addictions. Which means in the middle of July, someone's sneezing, aching, headache-ridden, snotty (not in the rock n' roll way) and contagious. Get them to stop binging on imported beer, cheap cigs and 4chan for a while, and get them binging on Cold-FX and Vitamin C for a few days.

Get a GPS

 The running gag is that you just don't need it in Canada, since we only have one highway. (Technically, we have 2: The Trans Canada splits just after Winnipeg... but anyway) That being said; Ottawa, Toronto, Calgary, Edmonton, Halifax, Montreal, Quebec City, Vancouver and Saskatoon are all fucking huge. And there are plenty of other places with lots of one way streets, dead ends, and non-grid/curved road/non-connecting layouts to confuse the hell out of you. (Banff and Surrey come to mind) Trust me: you'll be ever so thankful you bought a little screen for the van, instead of another round for the opening band.

I'm writing this as I'm about to head out on tour with Mike Lynch, whose new record is called 'Road Map.' Ha haaaaaaaaa. Think he'll go for it?

Clean your non-touring car out before you leave

I mean, come on. Do you REALLY want to come home, hop in your ride, only to learn what month-old
burger wrappers and coffee cups smells like?

Believe me, you DON'T want to know. Oh, blarg.

Make a list of everything you need to pack, otherwise you might forget until it's too late

Shit, I forgot to buy batteries today. See?

Terrible solo acoustic musician clichés

The acoustic metalhead:

He's got long hair. Tattoos. Ripped jeans. And he's going to wow you with his sensitive side for a minute. Problem is, he still sings in that overly-emotional, strained throat, Puddle Of Mudd “HIYEAHHH” kind of voice. Word to the wise, amigos: EVERYONE knows those Alice In Chains songs. You're not as deep as you think you are.

The aging super serious songwriter:

Every note he plays is anguish and pain. Every story is about how amazing the writing process was. He's way deeper than you will ever be. He's also in his 50's, grey, and thinks it's so quaint that everyone is getting back into folk music again. Unfortunately, his music is also unapproachable, long-winded, and coma-inducing slow.

The whiskey/cocaine cheeseball:

He's got the look, he's got girls following on his every word, he even moves like a rockstar. Every song he has mentions whiskey and cocaine. 'Look at how badass I am. Yeah! Big strum! O-face! Heyaaa, whiskeyyyyyy-ah! Cocaaaaaaaine-ah!” If these guys really snorted as much as they sang about, they'd be dead. Which would mean more gigs for the rest of us. Hey, let me hook you up with this dealer I know...

The “only play covers” patio guy:

All your friends will tell you he has a great voice, and is such a good player. You can catch him every weekend at your local patio bar, wearing shorts, setting up his own PA in the corner. He'll take a break from putting his lyric binder on the music stand (!!!) to reassure the drunk chick that he does indeed know some John Mayer. Do you think he knows “Brown-Eyed Girl?”

The fratboy with a flattop:

He picked up a guitar in college when he saw “some wimpy lookin' fag” surrounded by pretty girls in the quad. He knows the entire Sublime catalogue. He kinda knows song Dave Matthews. He thinks the “whiskey/cocaine guy” I mentioned up there is the greatest songwriter ever. His tan matches the colour of his acoustic guitar. But it's all good, bro: even if the girls don't like the tunes, you can always just benchpress one of 'em.

The college hippy jam-band stoner:

He picked up guitar in college to show that fratboy what “real music” is. He's got a shelf full of Phish bootlegs. He's been to Burning Man. His dreads are probably a bit funky. He seems to have a lot of girls hanging out in earthtone-coloured skirts and patchouli, singing songs you've never heard of. Don't feel threatened, singer-songwriters: most of them are digging his music because he has the best weed on campus.